Living in The Dash...

I got back into town late last night. I am tired. I am a feeling a little under the weather, too. But it's all good because I am resting before I go to Atlanta, later today. It's been while since I have been on the campus of Morehouse College. In fact, the last time I was there I wasn't in the best of health conditions...in 2005. But I live to tell.

I had limitied access to internet while I was back home. And truth be told, it was good. I didn't have to worry about email, homework, It just gutted me to see my family hurting like that. But it was definitely good to see the Singleton side. I stayed with my cousin Ashley and she is such a sweet heart. She is definitely special to be able to deal with me.

Say what you want to say about me but I took my dirty clothes, well not dirty - just not clean - clothes to KC to wash. What??? It's about being resourceful! I don't have neither washer or drying in NYC. Shooootttt, might as well, right? Anyway, that is the only task that I had while I was in KC. Plus, I can do stuff like that because I am a college student. Lol.

It was raining badly earlier in the day of Phillip's funeral. I was at home by myself and was just thinking and shed a few tears about this whole idea of life....why we are here, what we do while we are here, how we impact others, and etc. Then the time came to get ready for the funeral. We were told to wear red and black. The gag for me is that the funeral home - Duane E. Harvey - where his services were held is right by my former high school. I drove pass that place EVERYDAY but it took me three years to notice it.

After living in NYC and trying to stay a float with things in my own life I rarely have a chance to even ponder on how time truly flies by. From the moment my cousin, Ashley, and I got to the end of the wake around 6.45p (funeral started at 7p) it was tripping me out to see family members. Well, I knew I was going to see them but a lot of them I hadn't seen in years, or should I say some hadn't seen me in years. Don't laugh but my nickname is Icky. Yes, I wasn't happy about that as a kid. But it's my fathers nickname so the honor was bestowed up on me - Lil'Icky. So on my father's side I am Lil'Icky, and my mother side I am Waynie. I am convinced that some folks don't even know who Andre is...no, it's true. And that is okay, because it's all love, m-hmm.

I digress.

So yeah, seeing younger cousins getting older just blew me away. It was definitely closure to see folks before I get ready to take this journey around the world in January.

I didn't go immediately to the casket once I got to the wake. I just didn't want to. From the angle I was sitting I could see his brown nose peek out of the top of the casket. That was enough, and I could barely even take that.

The first person that I was looking for was my Grandma Singleton aka "Dawtha Lee" as Ashley and I affectionately call her. Her name is Dorothy and she is EVERYTHING!. This woman cracks me up. I really didn't know the Singleton's growing up. But I have made the step to changing that in my adulthood. So she and I have spoken more over the few years and especially recently - thank God before Phillip's death (he's my first cousin - 29 years old). So as I walked into the sea of red I scanned the room then I spotted her. She looked great - black silk skirt, black blouse, and red blazer - she was giving me Mother at the the church.

"Lil'Icky, I am so happy to see you BOY! You don't know how happy I am to have you here with us. Gimme a big ol kiss," she says with the biggest smile in the world.

And I feel at home hugging her. If anyone knows me then they that I love my grandmothers. So she and I sat and talked for a minute. We were trying to keep an eye out on the next generation of Singleton's - Amauri and Roger (one and two years old) as they seemed to glide around the church pews. The more I looked at her the more I could see where I get my smile. Like, I have been told that I look like her, but for me to see it myself made the world of a difference. And she asked about school and work and NYC. Then she went on to give me her blessings to do my Semester at Sea...but she called it "The On The School Boat Thang." Endearing, right? *sigh* Shortly thereafter I camouflauged with the Singleton's sitting in the first 4 rows, wearing red and black.

As the sermon started I ain't gon lie, I was like "Please, don't let this preacher give me too much. I am seriously not in the mood...spare me." But I had to ease down and allow myself to be receptive to whatever will be said...I never know what I can gain. And I am glad that I took this approach. Aside from the belting scriptures overzealously, which was to be expected, I got a powerful enligtening. He spoke about "The Dash" in between the year of birth and the year of death. You know like:

Johnny H. Fuzznuts
1965 - 2006
Lived, Loved, and Laughed

Ok, get it, got it, good! So to have your entire life summed up between two years. But more importantly, the dash represents everything in your lifetime. This isn't a bad thing - just a summation. And YOU determine what's in the dash. From ashes to dust...

The thing that just brought it to a screeching halt was when the sista sang "Walk Around Heaven."During this I sat beside my cousin Ashley and some young lady I had NO idea who she was but she was bawling. Baby, I felt the tears just stream down my face. I just rubbed the young lady's back and wrapped my arm around Ashley and rubber her right arm. That was heavy, I mean damn.



And they closed the casket. RIP Cuzzo

Shortly thereafter Ashley and I went to Couzins Catish - that's some good fish, yaw. And I saw an old friend, Ms. Krystal Mosby aka Tanka. She was hilarious. I forgot that when I left KC I had locs - chemo took them out. But she had no idea how exhausted I was. As they were frying the catfish I was watching Bill Cosby on Oprah. It was one particular line that I took in and that's when the LEGENDARY MOTHA OPRAH of the HOUSE OF HARPO says -

"Hurt people hurt people."

YOU BETTER BRING IT! It's so true. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. We really have to value life and each other. I mean it. And I couldn't help but think about a lot of the work that I have done and being on a board that works for the betterment of gay black and latino men - HIV/AIDS outreach. I can't help but think about the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Yes, epidemic because that's what it is. And the fact that it is hitting hard with the people of color. In many instances these are people that are hurt - be it from self loathing from identity, or who knows, but it is disturbing and painful to witness this. Thus, I urge people to be get the help you need. Condoms, clinics, STD test, THERAPY - these things aren't taboo. Break the cycle.

And before I conclude this...because my finger are getting tired, I just want to mention that I am happy to have seen my nephew. He turned a month old yesterday and is gorgeous! Great genes. Also, I saw my great-grandma. I love her DOWN. She's turning 90 in Dec. Good stuff.

Well, the latest on my Semester at Sea is that I need $7,600 to make this trip happen. $12,000 has been met. Hit me up at singa816@yahoo.com if you are interested in helping in someway. Again, this blog will capture the before, during, and after of this international voyage.

Ciao beatutiful folks,
A


I can't wait to sky dive *sigh*

One of my main goals in life...

Is to never feel like a victim.
Instead, always use that experience/situation as growth and empowerment.
How?
We shall see.

A

I may be down sometimes...

but I won't be down always.
- Sounds of Blackness

You don't remember Sounds of Blackness? For real? Child, you better stop playing. Sounds of Blackness me straight back to my childhood. I can clearly remember when I was around 8 years old and my mother, step-father, brother, and I went to the airport to pick up my grandma from the airport - which seem SO FAR when I was younger in Kansas City. I am talking about I was asking to bring pillows and blankets in the car because it felt like a SERIOUS PUMP! But now, I live in NYC and that's nowhere near Kansas City, Muh-zoor-uh! I digress. So yeah, I remember it clearly hearing -



I just needed this motivational music in my life. School has me stressed, working has me stressed, health has me stressed, people are TRYING to have me stressed, and I just had to take a step back. My flight leaves at noon for Kansas City so I can go to my cousin's funeral. So yeah, I am not packed. Hey hey hey...but I am feeling a lot better. It will be good to see my family which I haven't seen in a while. Not to mention, I went back to my therapist last name, it's been a while. Why am I sharing my business? Because as you will see, I am so EVERY aspect of health, and in this repressive and supressive (sp?) society it is muy importante to release. So I felt/feel more hopeful about many things in/about life. Shortly, after leaving my therapist I went to Barnes and Noble to get a book before I go to KC and I run into Mos Def at the Barnes and Noble on 23rd and 6th Ave. We had crossed paths before. But it was good to actually touch base. I told him about the work I have been doing (Production Assistant for Miracle at St. Anna's) and about to make this international thing happen. So I am going to keep him and others in the know, as well. To be real, those that are willing to invest will not be disappointed in what will result of aiding my voyage around the world. I will right more, later.

Now, I am about to get myself together. I have to make sure that I pack my Spanish homework and work for my Annetoted Bibliography - baby, I am just as lost as you with the latter assignment. But it will be FFFFFIIIIIEEERRRCCCCEEEE when I figure it out....YYYYEEESSS!!!!

Many embraces,
A

Sunscreen by Baz Luhrman

This is a song/speech that gets me through A LOT! You will more than likely see me reference it in the future...


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The longterm benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

A week(end) to remember...

Well, things haven't gone exactly as planned - and that's okay. This was a really really really rough week. From getting papers back from professors and not doing as well as I imagined. Not to mention I had to mail out more Semester at Sea prospective sponsorship letters and scholarships. But I really feel that things will work it. I really have to stick it out. With the weather and everything changing it definitely changes my morale.

Unfortunately, on top of all of the rough stuff I got word that my cousin, Phillip, in Kansas City, MO was killed on Wed. I was definitely caught off guard and am still numb. I am trying to push through and write these papers and do homework but it's hard. I don't know. I feel overwhelmed, right now. And I am doing my best to get a ticket to KC.

Today I received a donation from my friend Bator for my Semester at Sea! One step closer! That $50 will go a long way. And it was cool to sit and actually rap with her about everything in our lives. I honestly hated to see her leave, maybe that meant that I would have to face the death of my cousin - or just the sheer fact of mortality and that I am indeed mortal. Much to think about.

But I am going to do my best to stay on top of this blog. Well, I know I will crank it, soon. I am just trying to adjust. In addition, I am working on so many things and this is a tool to help make my fund raising portion easier. Also, it will be my way of truly documenting this global experience...

I AM GOING INTERNATIONAL!!!

And watch...EVEN THE BLOG WILL GET BETTER.

*sigh*

Stay tuned.

A